There has to be 1000 people who work in my building. I mentioned to a few earlier today that I was going to write a post about 'the creep'. Do you know how may asked, "which one?" or "who"? That's right - none. You see, no one had to even ask.
You have become defined by a single word. The whole building knows you and your disconcerting smile - large, randomly placed teeth wrapped in a pair of thin lips, all the time smoking a too long and too thin cigarettes accompanied by your odd and ceaseless stare. Your overweight and oddly effeminate body illustrating with only a passing glance your disturbingly eccentric ways. I'd suspect you'd look quite a bit like the old SNL charachter 'Pat' - if you weren't so damn ugly. I actually not trying to be mean - I just have no other way of making it clear to those who have had the pleasure of never seeing you. Let's be clear, I harbour no ill-will towards the overweight, but whomever told you that wearing skin-tight clothes would make you appear slimmer was having a little fun at your expense I'm afraid. Not only can I tell that's a dime in your pocket - I can tell it was minted in 2004! No, I'm not a homophobe either - so it's not that. I have many gay friends and have on more than one occasion been the object of a fellow's eye. For the most part I have simply been flattered although I'm afraid I'm pretty inflexible on my gender rules. Additionally, in your case however there is one HUGE problem, I suspect what those other men wanted to do to me you would prefer to do to my corpse. You just give off that kind of vibe.
Let's be clear -- I actually thought it was just me, but no -- it seems apparent that your shit-eating grin and goddamned relentless staring is freaking everyone out - even the ladies, despite the painfully obvious fact that these stares cannot possibly be sexual in nature. With the exception of the endless stares and general creepy vibes which cling to me for hours afterward, you've actually never done anything wrong to me. As a result, I actually feel a little bad about bringing this up and all and would love to end this ugly rant with a little advice. There's only one problem - I have none. You can fix mean or drunk or a number of things, hell - we could probably figure out a way for you to drop a couple and I could care less about your sexual preferences, but we cannot fix creepy. Creepy is forever.
There is no way you'll read this and I feel no better about having gotten this off my chest. On it goes. Everyone has there cross to bear and I guess you'll be mine: my extremely heavy, nicotine stained and poorly dressed cross that wants to suffocate me and do unspeakable things to my handsome and well-preserved corpse. Luckily this is Canada - so I'm gonna make the assumption you are not armed. For that I'm grateful. I did some research on 'creepy guys' prior to posting and while I'm not a fan of the source ... well, this seemed appropriate.
CHEERS!
